On World Maternal Mental Health Day, with the theme being Stronger Together, Zoe, one of our loyal volunteers, shares her experience of Maternal Mental Health and her connection to Mothers for Mothers.
My journey started when my youngest was just 3 weeks old.
I have 4 beautiful children, my first is nearly 22, my second is 18 I then have an 8 year old girl, Lottie and there’s Max, who is now 4. I have had bouts of depression over the years and am extremely sensitive to hormones and all they bring! I also have several health issues.
I have been with my youngest children’s dad for 10 years; I met him when my older children were 11 and 8.
After a very dramatic, born in the car entrance to the world, we had our first baby, Lottie in 2017, she brought lots of love, joy and happiness to our blended family.
After a few years we decided to try for another baby, it took a while to conceive, we then fell pregnant when covid hit, unfortunately this ended in a missed miscarriage which ended in a medical procedure under general anaesthetic, alone and socially distanced, was awful. We conceived again; lockdown started. All was okay until I caught covid when I was 25 weeks pregnant, and the unknown effects on my baby spiraled me into something that I hadn’t ever experienced before, panic attacks and anxiety. My father-in-law sadly passed away 3 weeks before our baby was born. All was just too much to handle, grief, pregnancy, covid. I was induced a week before Max was born. It was a horrible, lonely experience, 6 nights in hospital with only 2 hours visitation a day from my grieving partner. The birth was horrific and hurried. I was not listened to and was left on the ward with my new baby, all my luggage, alone and feeling ill, it wasn’t visiting time, so my partner had to go home.
Once I got home from having Max, I was in the newborn bubble surrounded by my social covid bubble. All was going well considering what was happening around me until Max was 3 weeks old. I started feeling sad, I felt lonely, I felt distanced from everyone including all my family. I felt like I didn’t care. I felt myself going into a panic, I felt hot, cold, nauseous. Then I had a panic attack in the bath, It was so scary, I felt like I wanted to just dunk my head under the water and never come up, I wanted to die, I felt that everyone would be better off without me. Something clicked when I was in that bath. I needed help. I remember turning on the cold shower and trying to cool myself down. I was crying and couldn’t breathe; my chest hurt and had this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach. I got out of the bath and facetimed my mum. I blurted out all this stuff. My mum told me to pack some stuff for me & Max, she was coming to get me! Which is exactly what she did and exactly what I needed! I stayed with her for about 3 weeks, in this time I spoke to a very supportive Dr, I started medication, my health visitor was good and then after searching online for support I happened to stumble across Mothers for Mothers. I rang the number and left a message. I saw that they were doing walking meet ups. I plucked up the courage when Max was about 3-4 weeks old and went to the local park to meet the group. I remember walking through the park entrance and seeing three ladies wearing purple tops, I was shaking like a leaf! I was greeted with warm smiles and a socially distanced air hug from strangers that made me feel as though everything was going to be ok! These people became such a support to me in my darkest hour, they listened and supported me with no judgement and made me feel that I was human and just needed to mend. That it is ok to not be ok and to talk freely about all I was feeling and thinking. For 3 years I used the groups, sometimes multiple groups in one week, I liked the routine and the other mums I met! I made some lovely friends along the way, as have my children! I accessed therapy through this wonderful charity, for a small donation if I could afford it. I started with 6 sessions and that was easily extended. This helped me a lot. I have met so many different people over the years from all walks of life and backgrounds, and I learnt a lot about myself and what helps me to be the mum/person I would like to be. I have had many ups and downs along the way, Mothers for Mothers have always been there to cushion the fall. No one is perfect and everyone has different views and that is ok!
I found myself still going to the groups when Max started nursery, I was mainly doing this to support the other mums. So, I decided to become a volunteer, I had a 6 month break when my mental health was stable. Now I volunteer twice sometimes three times a week. I love to help support these mums as I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like I did in those dark days.
I feel I owe everything to Mother for Mothers, and I will be eternally thankful for their support.